Oh, Heidi

I am not sure how many of you know that my long running "guilty pleasure" is watching Project Runway, along with Project Runway All Stars. (You know it's bad when you have dreamed you've been on the show. . . . ummmmm, at least different three times- and I don't even sew!)

 For years (yes, YEARS) I have watched faithfully as Heidi and Tim present the challenges and then Nina, Michael and Heidi critique what these fashion hopefuls have extended all their creative juices to make.  I know seems like an odd match for a girl who won't even where a sleeveless shirt to the gym and can't remember the last time she cussed to so fully enjoy a show that is laced with profanity and modesty is a nonissue--(and don't worry they bleep the swearing out.)

I guess it draws me in because I can't help but wonder how I would be able to handle myself if I were in their shoes. (Hence, the premise of many of the dreams) I am impressed by their amazing sewing skills and also the innovative designs that many of them come up with.  Plus, it really is someone following their dream.

I think that Heidi Klum is pretty awesome too. Mother of 4- who sounds like she simply adores her kids whenever she is asked about them. She has become a business women with many clothing lines ranging from maternity, to women's daily wear and now to kids.

 But I think the thing that I like the most about her is the mix of her firm, no nonsense stance, with her friendly and up beat personality. It is kind of how I'd like to be as a teacher. I like to be nice and approachable, but at the same time my students know they can't mess around with the rules in my class. (And no, I have never met her. I realize I only see what she is like on TV.)

Heidi seemed to have it all going for her, but then she and her hubby, Seal, surprised us by announcing they were splitting last year.

WHAT?!?! I was shocked. They always looked so happy in pictures and had such a cute little family. What happened?

They both kept their reasons and details of it very private, but at one point Seal said some disparaging remarks about Heidi. Her response was very appropriate and she said something like, "It makes me sad that my children's father would spread untrue rumors about their mother." Seal ended up "clarify" his statement- which means he really took it back.

Months after they had split, Heidi was in an interview with Katie Couric. Katie pressed her for information and asked "So what really happened? Why did you split?" Heidi answered in a very classy fashion and explained that even though she is in the public eye very often that she still "likes to keep some things close to her heart". As far as I know she has never dished on what went wrong. I really respect her for it.

So that brings me to my split and the ending of my marriage.

I am going to take the same approach as Heidi and keep things fairly private.

Through it all I have remained rather silent because I would have rather have kept it close to my heart. I created this post because I want to acknowledge the changes that are happening in my life.

These past few years have been filled with huge life lessons. It has been a lot to deal with in such a short time.  But with these experiences has come wisdom that I couldn't have gain otherwise.

I am happily moving forward.

Changes

I have adored reading my sisters newly established blog.
 She has inspired me to revisit this old past time.

 It would be too overwhelming to describe the journey I have been on since I last wrote; that will have to come another day, but here is a quick snap shot.



Most if you know about this:

http://www.abc4.com/content/news/top_stories/story/Mother-gives-birth-while-standing-Grandma-makes/Pb1ZAMxRPU6_Focp3yGIDw.cspx#.T7w4NyExnu4.blogger

I still can't believe Lilly came in the whirlwind she did.

 All of the chaos going on before Lilly came was not included in the news story.

Very unexpectedly, my water broke and then all heck broke loose with it.

•  We were getting Gabriel ready to be pick up by either my cousin or my aunt- they were on the phone with both a different times.
•  They were on the phone with the midwives as well updating them of our status.
• I got into the shower with my clothes on because the contractions had really gotten intense.
• The smoke alarm started blaring because it picked up the steam from my shower.
• My mom was running around gathering the last few things to take with us.
•  In the end, Gabe just got packed into the car to come with us only to have the baby crown while I was on the way out to the car.

And, of course Lilly, was given the middle name Elizabeth because my mother caught her.

 

Lilly has grown, but not much. She still is a small little Lillybug. But she is a mover. She was actively rolling front to back and across a floor at 4 months. She was crawling by 6 months. Now she is 7 months and loves to crawl to a toy taller then her and pull herself to standing. (I think she is just trying to gain the skills to run away from her ever in charge brother.)



I am pretty sure she pulled on the cord to get herself standing under that desk.

Gabriel Loved meeting Santa.

Is this really my life?

I started this post May 26, 2012. What you see is exactly what was saved on that day. Life got too busy (and crazy) to finish, but here is it anyway. 

It has almost been a week since my first little girl was born. I feel like things have finally settled down enough that I can soak it all in. My guess is that most of you reading this post are already familiar with my crazy birth story (which I will share my perspective on later), but few know how truly blessed I feel and how I am in awe as I ponder how things have turned out. 

My Mother's Presence: Even though this is my third birth this is the first that my mother has been present for. Her plan was to drive from Seattle to Provo when we thought that baby was close to coming. We really wanted her there and this had me a little nervous because it was such a long drive I didn't want to call her too late and have her miss the birth or call her too soon and have her waiting around for a week till the baby came. 

With my natural birthing programs (Hypobabies) it suggests that you visualize the perfect birth situation- the people there, the time of day, holding your baby for the first time, etc. The problem was I couldn't figure out what would be "perfect." Should I think of it going fast and my mom getting there just in time? Should I think about contractions starting during the night so that way I just wake up my Mom and Geoff in the morning and we have the baby then? 

I came to the conclusion that I didn't know what the perfect birth was supposed to be with this one. I decided that I would put my trust in God. In my prayers I told my Heavenly Father that I knew that He knew what the perfect birth would be, and I asked him to create that for me and to help me trust that it would all happen that way it was supposed to. 

So here is how it all happened. 

A little background with Garrett's birth my first contract was Sunday morning about 9am. They came at a regular increasing rate till my water broke at 3:30am and he was born (2 hours later) at 5:30am Monday morning. 

For Gabriel's birth I felt the first contractions at 9pm on Saturday night. They came at a good pace through the night, then died off Sunday afternoon. Then contractions started up again Sunday night at which point we went to the birth center. I was only dilated to a four and stopped progressing so they sent me home, then they came back Monday afternoon. My water broke at 4:30pm and he was born (2 hours later) at 6:30pm.

Now with Lilly, I started to feel contractions Saturday night about 10pm. I called my mom and told her be ready to drive in tomorrow morning. I felt them again on Sunday and really strong Sunday night.

 

Monday morning- No Contractions! Well, maybe one or two here and there, but I was very baffled and little frustrated. Here I had sounded the alarm with my Mom but now there were no signals that the baby was planning on coming anytime soon. I even told my mom that I felt guilty that things weren't progressing like they should since I alerted everyone. But she assured me that we knew the baby was coming soon and that I could just relax and trust the pace it would come. 




He LOVES his baby.

Watching the Two Year Olds

As I get on my friends' blogs I pay extra attention to the ones that have a child that has newly turned two. I look to see how tall the child is; I study the face. I read about their antics. I watch the video clips, and I wonder.

I wonder about my two year old. I wonder what it would be like for Gabe to have his older brother to play with.

Though it is bitter to think about- the thought is there. And just like the stars cannot prevent the dominating light that comes with the rise of the morning sun, I realize there is no use in trying to block the rise of these thoughts. They rise and fall as milestones come and go.

However, I can find peace and comfort when I shift from thinking about my empty arms to the things in my life that I am grateful for. 

Of course the event of losing a child has changed me. I truly understand what it means to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. My heart aches for those that lose a loved one.

At the same time, I am also less sympathetic. It is very rare that my heartbreaks for a whining mother whom seems to have forgotten the amazing gift that her children are. For example:

Last summer a mother I know was trying to get a very worn out and screaming 4 year old ready for bed. Both the mother and father were understandably exhausted and their other children were trying to sleep. Between the moments of tantrums, this mother looked at me and with a 'poor me' tone said, "Don't you wish you were me?" I didn't say a word, but let my blank face be the most dignified response to her victim like remarks. My rising thought was "Yes! Yes, I would rather have my son at the age of 4 screaming in my arms than where he is right now. Would you like our children to trade places?" Perhaps, in her mind it seemed that her life's woes were bigger than my newly childless one because now I didn't have to deal with the woes of parenthood. I was 8 month pregnant with my second child at the time and longed to hold a child of my own in my arms again.

With that said, I know every moment of motherhood is not filled with sentimental bliss- there are hard days and tough weeks. There have been times I am holding an inconsolable infant in my arms in the early morning hours, and I feel an urge of frustration because I am so tired and just need sleep.

But I have learned to keep a perspective. Yes, this child is screaming now, but he won't scream forever and my life is better off for having him here, and one day I will miss having him as my little boy. Then I hug him and do my best to soothe him and myself.

Somehow in the dark week just after Garrett's death I was able to find comfort in gratitude. I thought about my brother and other couples I knew, including three couples in my current ward, that had tried to have their own children, but weren't able to. I thought about the pain it would be to not be able to have a child of your own. In that despairing moment, I became grateful that I got to have my baby, even if it was for just five months.

Much like Pollyanna, I often catch myself playing "the glad game" in my head to cope with life challenges. I felt validated when I heard Thomas S. Monson recently speak on "The Divine Gift of Gratitude" In his remarks he said, "To live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven." With all my heart I desire to "touch heaven" and to have heaven in my home.

 I know the power of gratitude. It can give some light to a dark time. It can heal where there has been a deep wound. It can fill a seemingly empty cup. I am grateful for my friends’ blogs with pictures of their two year olds that help me paint of picture of what my little two year old might be like.

Asking for Quiet Food

 I have learned the power of food to keep a baby quiet and occupied.

 I first discovered this when I had a screaming baby in my shopping cart and was getting those looks by other shoppers (you know the kind). I knew he was hungry, but I had to finish this last errand before I could feed him.  Then I had the brilliant idea, Feed Him! I grabbed the baby snacks out of the cart, opened them, and raced them to his mouth.

He was quiet; he was happy. I was happy. They were half gone by the time I paid for them.

Now, at home I can enjoy some quiet time when he is bored of his toys (or I want some extra time to blog).

Geoff and I decided to work on sign language with our baby to ease communication. We read that it can help cut down on tantrums when they get older because they can express what they want with signs even though they can't talk yet. But to our surprise he hasn't used very many signs but has started to use the sounds that go with the signs.  I have used the sign "O" and the sound "O, O, O" when I give him "cherrieo" like finger food. Now when his tray is empty, I hear a little voice say, "Oh, Oh, Oh" telling me he wants more. Geoff are I blown away and didn't expect him to pick up on the sound so soon.





I know this has been posted before other places, but here Gabe is saying "kitty". Geoff and I watch this over and over and just laugh with amazement.

Front Yard vs. Backyard

Whenever I see someone else's life that I think would be better to have than my own, I do my best to remember this analogy.


Front Yard

The Front yard vs. Backyard

Backyard

When we interact with people we generally show them our "front yard". It is nice and tidy. Everything is well groomed- looks like a great place to live. But what we don't let others see is the "backyard." That is where we moved all the junk so that is can't be seen. It is messy, needs to be mowed and only a few people get to see the backyard.

 

Of course it makes sense that we all want to put our best foot forward, but what I think sometimes happens is we are looking out the window at our own messy backyard and see our neighbors' lovely front yards and imagine their whole property and house must just look as wonderful. But we've all got junk in our backyard, and it feels good to remember that.


I recently had my own run in with comparison. It has been a while since I had checked out my friends' blogs, and I thought it was time to catch up. I saw pictures of beautiful happy families, fun vacation pictures, amazing crafts and sewing, savory meals and sweet treats. By the time I was done I felt very low and depressed. (And I usually have a good sense of self-worth). But for hours after I could only think about what they had done, and what I hadn't.

 After discussing this with close friends, I was able to correct my perspective and bounce back. But it taught me some lessons- keep this in mind when looking at others' blogs and don't go over exaggerate with your own posts.



With this blog, I don't want to give the false impression that I live an "ideal off -grid life" filled with sunny days and endless moments joy and progress.

There have been some great times and some rough times.  

But it comes down to this: It has all been worth it because of the lessons I have learned.

 

 

2 Months Old and 15 lbs

Here is the chubby little smile I get to see all day- well expect when he is crying. I don't see it then. But I do get to see it a lot. By the way, being 15 lbs at 2 months old puts him int he 90th percentile for babies his age. Wow, look out!

The Story of Garrett's birth

39 weeks pregnant ( 5 days before he was born.)

Sunday morning I woke up feeling different and had some of the signs of prelabor. I told Geoff, and we got out one of our birthing books and looked at the signs of pre-labor vs real labor. I had a few of the pre-labor signs and the book stated that these signs could last few days before the real labor time set it. It was fine with me because I was still planning on teaching till Wednesday, after all the baby’s due date was not until the Saturday.

I started having some contractions on the way to church. I had more as church went on and by the time we were on our way home from church they were coming at about 5 minutes apart but not lasting very long. Even though we knew these conditions could last for days before the baby came, Geoff and knew then that we better not take our chances and should head into Orem. When we got home from church we finished packing. On our way we stopped by the school and made some copies for a sub. We finally got to Orem around 10pm- yes, I was having contractions all the while. (I had never noticed how bumpy I-80 was before that night.) When we got to where we were staying Geoff and I tried to get some sleep because we knew we’d need our energy for tomorrow.

Well, Geoff fell asleep and I continued having contractions. They got stronger and stronger, I tried to relax on my own, but then woke Geoff up because I needed some support. I didn’t realize how far along I was until my water broke at 3:30am. I was going through the transition phase of labor and didn’t even realize it. Geoff called our midwife and we went to the birth center called Bella Natal.
 I finally felt the urge to push, and Garrett was born after 50 minutes of pushing at 5:35am Monday May 18, 2009. ( I learned after that the average first time mom pushes for two hours.)

I did go it all natural, and it was a wonderful experience. I used the birth program called Hypnobabies. It has a focus on relaxation and positive affirmations. I know that this program helped sped up my labor. I also did yoga through my pregnancy and read a book called Back Labor No More and I didn’t experience any back labor.

There were times that it was tough, but during the whole thing I never regretted the birth path that took. The times that I would start to think about pain or feel sorry for myself, I changed my view point and thought about how grateful I was to even be having a child. I have known many women that have never been married or that haven’t been able to have children of their own. I thought about how those women who would have been overjoyed to be going labor. I was grateful that my Heavenly Father had motherhood in his plan for me.

When Garrett came out they put him on my chest right away. My first feeling was shock that this baby in my arms was mine and had come out of me, and that I had actually done it. I held him for a good hour before they took him to clean him and measure him. As I have spent more time with Garrett, I have felt my love towards him grow and grow. I am grateful to be his mom. Geoff has also been a wonderful husband and father. I have felt my love for him increase as well. I am excited to see what sort of adventures we will have with Garrett.
Garrett has a sweet disposition and has been a pretty easy baby. I am doing my best to soak up every minute of him, I know that babies grow up fast and each stage goes by quickly. Geoff and I will be happy when he is older and sleeps through the night, but till then I get to enjoy the smell of a new born baby in my arms at 4 o’clock in the morning.

More of Garrett

Grandma with Garrett. Geoff and I were so grateful to have my mother out for a few days to help out with things and teach us some of her baby magic.
Grace has come out to spend time with us and meet her new little brother. She has been a great big sister- holding him and helping mom out.

This plate was given to Geoff by my father to put on the tractor he is loaning to us. We found another place to hang it.

Here he Is! (I know a little late posting)

Garrett William Goldsborough

was born Monday May 18, 2009

at 5:35am.

He weighed 7lbs 14oz,

is 20 inches long,

and is a handsome little boy.

A close up- His eyes and nose seem to be a good mix between Geoff and I. His hair he got from Daddy. It is blonde and he has a sweet little widow's peak.

Mom is happy with her little boy.

More Kitty Baby

My very kind mother has been sending us clothes for our baby boy. Geoff and I love opening the boxes and looking at the cute little outfits. We thought the outfits were too cute to just sit in a box so we put one on Mr. Whiskers. (If you look at the details you'll noticed it has little doggies on it.) Mr. Whiskers was a good sport about it.

Mommy's intuition was right!

I feel very blessed to announce that we will welcome a BABY BOY!

This is a very nice profile shot of our baby. All is healthy and well. Again, Geoff and I are excited to have a son joining our family. For a while I have felt like it would be a boy. When I thought about girl names or having a girl is just didn't seem right. Geoff, on the other hand, had a dream that lead him to think we'd be having a girl. But he didn't mind being wrong- he is thrilled with the idea of having a son.

Move over Mr. Whiskers

Some of you may have heard me refer to Mr. Whiskers as my "kitty baby". These pictures demonstrate why. He loves to come to bed with me at night and has a little routine for winding down which includes "his blanket"- the one he is wrapped in the picture. I am sure he will have some adjustments to make when the new baby comes.

Children's Books I adore!

As a teacher, I come across a lot of wonderful books. I have also found some of the best books to use with my students (4th and 2nd) are picture books. They grab their attention better and then we pause throughout the book and talk about what is going, how the characters feel, and what the kids would do if they were the character. Picture books are a great way to introduce comprehension strategies to children early on.

Here are some books I wouldn't go a school year without reading at least once!

I discovered Souper Chicken when I was at BYU in my Children's Literature course. This chicken can read and is able to save the lives of fellow farm animals because of it. The moral of the book is "Reading can save your life." The illustrations are also very fun to look at. When Grace was visiting us a few summers ago I read the book to her and then for the next four nights she wanted the book reread to her.

SkippyJonJones was introduced to me last year. The school counselor came in to do a lesson with the students and read them this book. This book is so cute and clever I couldn't keep myself from laughing with my students. Skippy is a kitten with a huge imagination that takes him on a lot of adventures and sometimes gets him into trouble. Another thing I really liked about this book is that it is spotted with some Spanish words. My student that spoke Spanish loved it because it was a book they could help explain to the other kids. (Don't worry you don't need to know Spanish to read this book to your children.) I have read two sequel SkippyJonJones books to my students this year, and I think I may have more fun just watching the kids enjoy this book.

The Recess Queen is a great book to talk about bullies. Jean is the Recess Queen and bosses everyone around. Then a girl moves into town and is able to put Jean in her place and teach her how to play with others. Before the problem gets resolved at the end of the book, I like to talk with the students to hear what they would do it someone like Mean Jean was at their school. (Oh and some students learn that what they have been doing at recess is considered "mean".)
Boxes for Katje is based on real events that happened at the end of WWII. The story takes place in Holland, which was devastated by the war. In the story, a girl from America sends a care package to Katje. They continue to write back and forth and soon the American girl's town rallies together to send more need supplies. It is very touching story and when I read it to my students I have to be careful not to cry. I imagine this book would be great to read together at FHE and then the activity could be a service project. This story is a little bit longer and the kids have to be given some background knowledge what WWII was, but it still a good read.

Please let me know if you check out these books and read them. I would love to hear what you thought of them.

If you are looking for more books to read check out Utah's Book Award Site: http://www.clau.org/awpast/index.html

Here are some other books that are great.

Diary of a Spider by Doreen Cronin
Knuffle Bunny by Mo Willems (good for young children)
How I Became a Pirate by Melinda Long
A Bad Case of Stripes by David Shannon
Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse by Kevin Henkes

If your local library doesn't have them, suggest they order them. And as always books by the same author are always fun to read. Happy Reading!